Eric?

Hypothetically speaking, how bad would it be if I went to visit Eric for a few days? It wouldn't be just to visit him, but to get to spend a few days chilling in Asheville and checking out the town and the job market. Its probably too small for me; if I ever moved down that way, I'd most likely end up in Charlotte (love, love, love that city!!). Its kind of weird because we've been a little flirty with each other lately, falling right back into that old pattern with each other. I don't want anything from him, and I'm sure as hell never going to have sex with him, but I could really use a hug right now. I was telling a friend the other day that I really wanted an Eric hug right about then, and I still feel the same way. I was actually online earlier, checking how long it would take to get down there and looking at hotels in the area. Then I made the mistake of "casually" mentioning the idea to my mom, who naturally flipped out at even the posibility. Would it be so bad if I just got in the car while she was at work and left her a note? :-) OK, so I won't be doing that, but I am giving this a lot of thought.

Evidence

I never thought the day would come when I found myself gathering evidence to prove that someone exists, but here I am doing it anyway. K and R left the hotel about an hour ago, and we did some brainstorming/compiling. Actually its been going on for a little while now, with the whole lot of us doing it last night too. There's a big part of me that wants to say "fuck it all". Why should I work my ass off on this, when the people that matter believe me anyway? I'm sure as hell not staying in Dayton after all this, not when 2 of the people I considered good (maybe even best) friends, are making suicide jokes behind my back. If you knew my history, you wouldn't even think of joking about that. My depressive episodes are really bad, and there was a moment tonight where I was standing in my hotel room with the window open and staring down at the ground, wondering what would happen if I just end it now. This Jack thing....its insane. Was his name even Jack Meuller? Or was that a lie too? My friend K2 came up with a theory of her own that she's working on right now, along with a little help from her cop step-dad, and if she's right, it makes me sick.

I left a message with the apartment complex where he "lived", to see if they have a Jack Meuller living there, but I doubt they'll give out that information. If K2 is right though....it would explain a lot of things, like why I always got his voicemail when I called his office, why his apartment was so neat/clean, why we always spent time at my place, why he couldn't do as much stuff as I wanted. It's a creepy thought. Sorry for the following, but I'm trying to gather my thoughts.

EVIDENCE?
(1) J had an online convo with M while I was at the club with B, S, and J.
(2) J had one with B while I was at the club with S.
(3) J2 talked to J on the phone one night, but some people think he's made up too.
(4) T also talked to J on the phone, but he doesn't have a myspace.
(5) K2 pointed out yesterday while re-reading the email from J, that when he sent it, I was driving home from Dayton, but I guess that doesn't matter.
(6) Matt, Lily, and other people met J at that party in Louisville, but after what happened with Matt, I threw away his number and I don't know how to get ahold of him.
(7) The same thing happened with Jeremy. He hung out with J and L, but we aren't talking anymore. I have his number, so I could call him, but what would that do? He doesn't have a myspace, so what am I supposed to do? Ask him to call a bunch of random people who's numbers I deleted?
(8) I got a text message from a cell phone in Louisville, and then the fucker called my house Saturday morning, about 2 hours before I left town. The text is saved in my phone and the number is saved on my caller ID. K's going to check tomorrow at work and at least find out who the provider is.
This makes me fucking sick and if K2 is right, its only going to get worse, a lot worse.

Lonely

I'm sitting 20 minutes from 2 of my best friends in the world, and I couldn't feel more alone. Last night was awesome, but all it did was remind me how much I miss them and how much I hate Dayton (with a passion of a thousand suns). We got up at 10:30, and I decided to stick around for an extra night, so I ran downstairs to reserve the room again. K and R left about 11 and I thought I'd go back to sleep since we were up until 5-ish, but I ended up watching Bridget Jone's Diary for the 400th time and then running off to buy some snacks. I'm definitely a stress eater so this week has been hell on me. I went from thinking that one of my best friends died to having him be not dead, to losing some other good friends because of his bull shit. Not that it matters, since either way he's gone from my life. I think I can safely say that I wish he was just dead since he's dead to me now. I don't know him, the guy I thought I knew doesn't exist.

It makes me think of Eric again, and how he got such a kick out of this story. He asked how many people questioned his existence, which oddly enough no one did. For that guy to believe me and have other people who know me better not...it makes you think. I threatened to get in my car and drive down there, but when he agreed, I changed my mind. After everything he put me through, I can't even look him in the eye. Its one thing to exchange emails with him or talk to him on the phone, but to see him in person? I couldn't do it. But this all reminds me of him and tells me that maybe I just shouldn't trust in men.

The funny thing about all this is that K really likes S now. We were exchanging text messages back and forth last night, both of us drunk and she started texting him too. He ended up sending us a picture that he took at the club of me, and I was shocked that he still had it on his phone. He kept saying that he was going to come down here today, and while he didn't, I wish he had. I would love to just curl up in this bed with him and have him hold me because right now that's all I want. I learned this week who truly loves me and who's a true friend, and they just weren't the people that I thought they would be. I hope tomorrow's a better day.

Thoughts

I haven't posted on here since December of 2006, which is a hell of a long time. I guess it doesn't matter since no one roams by here anyway. Hell, my profile alone on myspace has more hits than this entire page does, let alone all the comments. I'm getting really tired of playing private investigator on Jack's ass. I should say "fuck it" and let the people who walked away from me keep thinking what they are thinking, but I just can't do that. Jack was such a huge part of my life in Louisville and if it weren't for him, I would have spent every night sitting at home alone watching movies and never seeing any of the city except for when I was getting lost:-) I think about all the times when I could have snapped a bad picture of him when he wasn't looking, and kick myself. Its like I let myself get too comfortable with seeing him, so I didn't think that someday I'd be looking back on those times and wishing that I had things to remember him by. Correction, I had a sweatshirt of his, which I gave to Becky and now wish I'd kept!

The truth is that he really fucked me over on this one, far worse than anything Eric ever did. And he knows it too, which is why he isn't responding to my emails or why the Dayton phone number I had for him has been disconnected. It goes a lot worse too, because the more I push into his life, the less I want to know. I made the mistake of pouring my heart out to Mike on the phone the other night, about all the shit that people were saying, and he ran to Jack with it all. Jack then mentioned all that shit in the email, which was more fodder for people to say he doesn't exist and never did.

I wish he would just call people and get me out of the doghouse. I'm perfectly capable of alienating people all on my own without his help. It is funny though, the people who trust me. I never would have expected to see Marie and Colly standing right beside me while people I know in real life deleted me without a second thought. I always knew that Katy and Blake would be with me, but who would have guessed that Edmund would have gotten such a kick out of the whole thing? :-) Then there's Jonas who is still confused about why people think Jack's a "fake" when he's talked to him on the phone before.

I guess it just goes to show that nothing good ever happens in Dayton and that its time for me to move on again....

The thing that really gets to me is that Eric has been such a help in all this. He does find it hysterical, but he's known me too long to believe that I could be capable of any of this. This is the guy who has seen me at my absolute low and at my absolute worst, and he still believes that I'm a good person who wouldn't do something like that to a friend. Maybe I should take him up on his offer to come down and visit:-)

Lack of Posts

I did the "wrong" thing and upgraded to the Google/Blogger, which for some reason kept me blocked all last week, as having the incorrect password, so this is the first time I've been able to log in and post.

I decided to stop bouncing around from work out to work out and just stick with something that is effective, so I went with the Walk Away the Pounds sets. I have 4 of those discs total and have been doing them 4-6 times a week and am already seeing [some] results. I do 3 miles at a time, but I mix it up so that one day I might do the actual 3 mile DVD and on others I do the 1 mile and 2 mile workouts back to back. I don't use the weights every time either, because after doing 3 miles with weights one day, my arms can't always handle it the next.

Its hard to say how much I've lost because my weight keeps fluctuating a lot. One day I'll be down 2 pounds, then up 3 the next, then back down a pound the next. I weigh myself every Monday and write it down in my "fitness journal", so I can get some sort of regular record. According to my official record from Monday, I've lost 2 pounds since Thanksgiving which isn't great, but not bad either.

My new plan is to just get myself ready for the new year. I've been getting myself into a regular routine, which will carry over into the new year, and hopefully I'll get my goals figured out by then too!

Post Thanksgiving

I did pretty well over Thanksgiving. I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either, so yay for that! On the big day, I ate a lot of veggies off the relish tray but I didn't limit myself on what I wanted to eat. I filled my plate and halfway through had to stop. My mom laughed and said that she wondered when I was going to hit bottom because she hadn't seen me eat that much in a long tim:-) I had a lot of brussel sprouts, which I loooove and don't eat very often, some mashed potatoes, white meat turkey, and a little bit of stuffing. A few hours later I had a piece of cheesecake with strawberry sauce for dessert. I made the cheesecake myself, with low fat cream cheese and sour cream, and no sugar. Even the "sauce" was just crushed strawberries with a little bit of Equal. I could probably live on that stuff alone!

Day Three (Thanksgiving Week)

Today was the most I've ever walked in a day and I have the shin splints to prove it! I logged a total of 12,376 steps before I took off the pedometer. I went to the doctor this morning, then the post office, dropped off my new prescription, went to the bank, and then back to get my RX. Then I took each one of the three dogs for a seperate walk, only this time I incresed it an extra block in each direction:-) I ended up talking to a friend for about 2 hours on the phone and most of the time while we were talking, I found myself pacing the room constantly, which burned up more energy and steps. All in all, an interesting day. I'm hoping to get in a walk tomorrow before everyone starts getting here, but we'll see if I actually have the time...